Universal Program for Usefulness

This federal election September 20th will be an auspicious day for the nation according to Minister of Usefulness, Tote D. Barge.  As the country recovers from the pandemic it is critical to ensure that people can return to useful taxpaying work, and no longer languish at home.

Barge’s government has announced an aggressive platform to provide $30 billion in funding over 5 years to ensure that all useful people will be able to shed the barnacles keeping them from the upward  career rise.. The money will place all the offspring of the workers in holding centres to ensure that they can learn how to become useful also, emulating their leaders.

To assist in this transition back to being contributors to the GDP, enhancing productivity and economic growth, the gender neutral plan will also provide funding for those nonuseful gaps in life such as maternity, as long as the worker has put in adequate time being useful at the paid job in the previous year.   If the worker does penance and makes clear commitment to being attached still to the useful workforce and returning to the paid job, permission or as it is called ‘leave’ will be granted for a brief time at home with the nonuseful appendage.

There will also be enticements for aging workers who may be tempted otherwise to sink into that abyss of nonusefulness called retirement.  To nudge them to continue being useful well into their 70s and 80s, pensions will be reduced for those who ‘retire’ too soon.

This groundbreaking plan to encourage and support the good people, the useful people who make the right choices in life. Barge will also reduce any earlier benefits paid by naïve governments to those at home being useless.  Those providing care of the young, sick, handicapped, frail elderly or dying, who of course themselves tend towards inclusion in that useless demographic, will lose the benefits of earlier times.  The state will provide care of ‘those people’ and much better than could be done in any home.

In this way each person will be enabled to be all they can be, reach their full potential and pay tax to get down this nasty debt we’ve run up with the pandemic

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